Ragged

It's been a while.

It's been really zany.

Yep, memang aku sorang je yang rasa macam tu.

Ramadhan kali ni terasa kurang manisnya compared to the previous years.

Aku tak pasti kenapa.

Rasa jauh, rasa kosong, sedikit kekecewaan.

Bila semua orang cerita balik kampung lagilah aku sedih.

Aku dah tak punya kampung lagi. Boo hoo.

Bila apa yang aku rancang tak menjadi, aku jadi patah hati. Sangat2. Susah oh orang over sensitip macam aku ni. Orang lain dah jalan jauh, aku terkial2 cari hala tuju lagi. Mana aku tak sedih? Mungkin aku patut pindah Raub jaga lembu kambing. Entah apa cerita deme kat sana.

Hmph. Nyaris aku diprovokasi dengan perasaan aku sendiri. Tak tipu. Mungkin aku rasa kurang bersyukur dengan apa yang ada. Tak salah kan kalau nak yang terbaik? Hm. Dahsyat sangatlah cobaan Dia tahun ni. Rasa nak lari kat Uganda lah.

Girl With A Cotton Pillow

She kept looking at her left carven wrist. The eight year old embellishment is never a proud memory to recall at. Her knowledge of the veins wiring from all over her system is enough to give her a disturbing idea of seeing herself, back slump against a wall, legs sprawl lifelessly on the floor, thick crimson liquid running wildly yet painfully out of the intended opening. But she had never really wished for that. All she wanted to do is to learn, how exactly will her parents reacted over such scene. Will they blame themselves? Or will they take it for granted? Exactly.

So she took one of the teethy ordinary looking machine, one that her mother rarely used. She knew the prying eyes in the house were out to god-knows-where, her hands trembled as she reached for the said tool, then came back into her dark musty lair. The only place for her refuge of her parents' antics and the cruel blizzards of the society's tongues. Back on her old creaking bed, it hardly ever console her. It never retain her from having dreams, which sometimes make her suffocates whenever she wakes up. But there's one thing she always loved so much. A pillow. A pillow contains the memory of her dead grandmother. Oh how she loved her, her smile so beautiful it soothes every eyes that fell onto her. How she like to sit herself on her grandmother's lap and fell asleep.

With those memories flooding her mind, the words of her parents the other day took place so sudden. It was terribly painful. What had gotten into them to suddenly lashing out their frustration at her? What had she done to receive such words? Slapping her own cheek she moved onto the tool on her right hand. Still playing those painful moments she started to move the machine to all sorts of directions on her skin that she could think off. Biting her lower lips from the pain, blood drew oh so flawlessly from the cut. But then she thought, this wasn't enough to drive her parents' mad. Yeah. A simple, firm horizontal move on the artery, yeah, the left artery will definitely do the job. Alarmingly she smiled of such thought. Yeah, just a little...

Wildly shaking her head, she snapped out of the dream. The cotton pillow clung tightly between the her her hands and her ragged chest, pumping in and out from the lack of oxygen. No. It seemed more like a lost old memory. No. She would never do that. And her parents are nice people. Sure, they weren't perfect but they would never harm their children. Nah, just a dream. Searching for an assurance, she takes a peek at her left wrist hidden beneath the pillow. No, no, no. This can't be true. It was just a dream. She will never do such an act. No!

Yet, an embossed part of her skin that appears like a straight line across her wrist barely 2mm looks perfectly visible to her eyes.

a/n: Peh~ agak2 aku ade bakat jadi author tak? Haha. Cereka di atas adalah rekaan semata2. Aku dalam keadaan stress so satu2nya cara untuk aku bertenang adelah dengan menulis. :)

Reanimate

Heaven knows how much I tensed with every given veins inside my body.

And how much I hate it when my mind is not in a working mode.

And how much it makes every single micro of face oil turns to cranky zits on my face!

And how much I knew the fact that this being is specifically built for thinking and working and travelling and not cramping inside a 4X4 hot stinking room with no reliable air-ventilation.

Damn, I really need to get outta this house asap.

Anybody cares to invite me on a long mind-developing journey?

Summer Wine

Pada satu pagi, aku rasa ngantuk sekali.

Tapi kalau sambung tidur Mak mesti pakat pecah pintu bilik aku.

Maka aku pun bosan.

Dan aku pun keluar lah belakang rumah jalan2.

Aku tangkap gambar semut api tapi aku tak tahu macam mana nak edit.

Sekian terima kasih.

Stop & Stare

It took quite a few minutes to put my thoughts into words. Likewise, I'm no Einstein or perhaps in this context Mark Twain of the Adventure of Tom Sawyer or Edgar Allan Poe of Cask of Amontillado, which I still find it excruciatingly hard to understand.

Out of boredom awaiting for the others to come back from work, I scavenged the tower of dust sealing my dvd collections, in search of some mere entertainment. After a stress-reliever session of dancing like an old gypsy lady throughout the opening song of GTO (Yes, I watch Great Teacher Onizuka): The Anime, I sat on the couch watching intently.

I would say that he's pretty much innocent (put aside his perverse nature). Yes, that sounds brilliantly stupid. Why? He's the victim of a failed education system. Anyway, it reminded me of the days before I went for my practicum. Again, this sounded really dumb but I did use GTO and Gokusen for my reference. I'm not sure why.

Partners in crime, Ain Eza & Leman.

I had a major emotional breakdown during those days teaching the hormonal rage teens. Believe me, teaching is the last profession I had in mind. Which I think resulting me in having phobia of being around strangers. Nevertheless, time cures. The rapport between me and the students are much better then. And I miss them a lot.

I've always wanted to say this, "Sekolah kau boleh ke buat camni?" *snort XD

Halls of SMK. Sultan Abdul Samad, Banting.

[Damn, the picture quality's deteriorating.]

di double ow em.

Why? Why can't you understand?

I'm not your tool to make up those past failures of yours!

I'M A HUMAN BEING!

Why the hell can't I decide for my own life?

My own future, my own rationalising?!

Why dammit?!

Do I look like a doll to you?!

No feelings no mind of her own?!

Watch me.

Just watch me.

I'll turn the table.

I'll destroy this so-called legacy of yours.

I'll make you pay for every year I wasted for your stupid dreams.

Reap what you sow. Reap what you sow.

アイシテル と告げたらきっと
もう二度と笑顔には戻れないかもしれない
けれども友達のまま　作り笑いは
これ以上私出来ないから..

Domo-domo

For parting gift, 3 of my students gave me this bag.

I wasn't sure about the content though.

SOS

Tis' I know well.

I could never leave this web, excruciating web.

For my aid is vital, mending every strand of its' string.

Though my being slowly descends, to the depths of despair.

Help me.

I'm drowning.

- May 25th, 9.37pm

The Bear Attempt - Part 1

One day I found this little guy hanging around with his/her

I dunno the real gender -_-;) mother,

which is my house mate back when we're doing our practicum.

Me: Who on earth neglects this thing in my house?

Lil' Brownie: Ewou mommy's fwend! I'm Bwownie.

Me: Bwownie? Not brownie?

Lil' Brownie: I shaid Bwownie! Bwownie!

Me: Yeah whatever.

Later he/she played cute in front of me.

Well- I couldn't resist cute things.

Oh, here comes Ichi.

Ichi: Huh? What the hell is this?

Lil' Brownie: I'm sho cute..I'm sho cute.. :D

Me: Ichi don't step on the poor bear!!

Ichi:Hehheh.

It's a good thing her/his mom didn't scowl at me.

Moral of the story: Don't scatter your child all over the place.

Kaleidoscope Blunder

Say hello to the new banner!

[Gilak bah kau esok lagi ada skolah bah..]

Yes, I took the privilege of my beauty sleep to make a new banner and retouch this dude's pitcha.

Despite having to renew my licence and attending school this morning. Yeah, I'm friggin loco.

The dude above is actually, I don't know who the hell he is but we met him next bench when me, Abah and Mak went for 'aircraft-spectating' at the KLIA. I nearly got caught by him when he suddenly woke up and stared at me. And then he fell asleep again. -_-;

So if you found my blog, my apologise pal.

But you were to hilarious to ignore. XD

ps: Credits to En. TaQ0, owner of DuniaGrafikSaya.blogspot for nominating me for most-read blog of 2011. Honestly, what do you get from my blog incik? XD

Doodle: Sardine

Hm. Ha.

Cat got my tongue.

It's been like forever since the last post.

It feels like everything's about to burst particularly in this post.

So here we go.

Event 1:

I love last weeks lesson with 1 Bestari. Heck I forgot to document it in mah camera. I was doing an activity in this class which requires them to work in groups. So when the 1st three groups finished at the same time they were fighting (not literally la :p) to present their works first. So I had them to Lat Talilat first. What's beautiful is that each group was represented by a Malay, an Indian and a Chinese student. They were soooooo happy Lat Talilat-ing in front of the class with their friends screaming with support at the back. Honestly, that's the first time I ever experience the real 1 Malaysia. It was really beautiful. Damn, I'm gonna miss these kids once the practicum is over. :)

Event 2:

Yesterday, Abah was supposed to have his fistular surgery but it was postponed to this Thursday. Which is tomorrow. So that morning when we arrived at HUKM, I saw Hans Issac. As in the actor. Heck. No biggie. But then I saw him pushing an old lady in a wheel chair. I guess it maybe his grandma or mother. Now that's something. I mean, we RARELY see someone who is popular and at the same time cares for their sick family member. At that point I thought, W0W.. He's the ideal husband I'm gonna snatch from everyone! Haha.

Event 3:

I'm not sure when was the last time I shoot anything. So I guess this is the latest subject of my interest. Haha. I lap BJD, I lap BJD, I lap BJD. XD

Here's to Life

I wonder if I'm still living a normal young-adult life at the moment.

So many fears, so many doubts, so many commitments.

I'm not sure with the points that I would like to elaborate but things sure are in a mess. Seeing the current situation I felt the obligation to financially and physically support my family. ASAP. I mean, to hell with this..practicum period. Yes, I get experiences but no, it's draining a lot of my pocket money. How the hell am I supposed to help my family?

Yesterday's a long pain-staking day. Waiting is an agony. Abah had a minor surgery. It seemed both of his hands couldn't be use to circulate the blood any more.Which meant the only option left was to plant a tube in his chest.

Seeing his agonising face enduring the pain, I was left speechless.

I felt like crying. But Mak always told me not to do so. You gotta be strong for the family. Crying is for the weaklings who lost hope. Who am I to argue? But seeing his face eagerly swallowing the dinner I made, I couldn't help but to cry.He hasn't eaten for almost two days. And to see him going for the second round, gingerly waiting for Mak to spoon-feed him, it's like heaven. And he compliments my cooking. I don't usually cook. I'm a lazy cook.

So that, just changes everything.

I admit that I'm a weak person. I'm not as strong as Mak. 21 years of raising her children, 17 years taking care of my sick father.I doubt any other mother could do such a thing, possesses a will and strength as Mak. My mother.

So does Abah. The most hardcore, strong-willed person I have ever met. And he can still goof around his friends even though he's in pain. My father.

I am so proud of these two.

I guess I just gotta endure some more.

Work my way through life.

Please don't take them away from me, O' Allah.

the Welcoming

11 February 2010, 11.00pm.

Yippee! Tis' agony finally met it's end!

To Mr. Kagaya, make sure you write my address correctly next time.

I don't want banana to fruit two times.

Let's see.. What do we have here?

Haha! It really is for me!

Ouh.. (rapid heartbeats)

Finally, fresh air! Oh. Umm..who are you?

-Me? gulps.

Argh! What happen to me? Where's my hair? My clothes?

*went to look for his hair

-Anoo..Mr..your clothes are still under layaway. Sorry!

*nervously giggled

Oh. Umm.. Nevermind. That's a bad start.

Tonikaku, let's have our Jikou Shokai (self-introduction).

Miyazaki Kou desu. Kimi wa?

-Ehh..me? Kai is fine. :) and welcome!

(Stalking his beautiful limbs)

Are you..checking out my feet? (Shyly pulling his feet away)

-Oh! Haha. Sorry.

My neck's kinda stiff. Can I lay down for a while?

-Sure. It's your home too from now on. :)

-I wonder what was on his mind?

Umm..Kai? Do you mind if I take a nap? It's been a long journey.

Promise we'll hangout again tomorrow okay? ;)

-Ahh..sure do. I know it's pretty tiring. Get enough sleep. :D

And so I left him as I went to prepare to go to school.

Lucky for him he got enough sleep.

Me on the other hand, I almost fell asleep in the staff room.

Motivation gauge's running low.

Heyya blog, I miss ya.

Sorry I was too busy these days.

But things are pretty out of hand.

My package's yet to arrive, and it's driving me crazy.

And it seems my anger management skill's going downhill as well.

What's wrong with me I don't have a clue.

Damn I want my life back.

The last thing I would wanna hear right now,

in the middle of my final battle with stacks of nerve-racking question papers

and facing the ultimate fear of teaching a bunch of strangers

is the news of Abah's unwell condition.

Dear God please grant me thy strength!

Anecdotal

Lonely as sparrow,

Forgotten as clouds,

Blistered as broad skies,

Loathed as rain.

Aye.

-Unisel Bestari Jaya, January 10, 3.52 pm

Brimo, Tormentuosus

Alas, thou hast failen.

Aku dengar the other side of aku kata pada aku.

Sisa2 hari terakhir aku kat Bestari Jaya ni buat aku flashback balik the previous 4 years of hidup aku jadi budak B.ED TESL. Macam gramophone rosak yang mainkan lagu Moonlight Sonata on and on and on dengan kabus Ludwing van Beethoven staring intently kat sebelah kau. Seram tahu tak?

And feeling as if out of the blue, dah kena practical. In 10 days. Agony tahu tak semua ni? And the fact that probably aku terpaksa rombak balik term paper kepada topic lain disebabkan sekolah tu tak dapat provide computer lab yang cukup, sors immanis.

And also, the fact that a certain matter of a certain being yang buat aku marah, down, sila jangan cari aku lagi lepas ni. Aku bukan lapik kaki kau. I too, have a feeling. IF YOU NOTICE. Estuans interius ira vehementi.

Alas,

inilah realiti. Bukakan mata aku.

Excitate vos e somno, liberi mei
Cunae non sunt
Excitate vos e somno, liberi fatali
Somnus non est.

Valete, liberi
Diebus fatalibus.