I'm not really sure of what has gotten into me lately. Too many feelings got me off the track. Few days back then I dreamed of losing a teeth. That is never a good sign. A lot of people said that it means someone near or dearest to you will, well, you know, 'part'? For good. I woke up with a shocked face. But thank God I was able to get a grip of myself. Managed to maintain a good mood but deep down inside, God knows I was as fragile as a glass. And it appeals to my view that somehow I am surrounded by fakers. But some have changed for better too. And I'm very happy for that. These fakers and changers are my friends still, for better or for worse. Losing them feels like a cut by a knife. Well- to be honest, that happens alot to me. And literally, I was cut by a knife once. Haha~
Somehow, my mind is filled with Abah's images since that night. Back then I called for home and Mak told me Abah was not very well. I always acted cool as if nothing ever happen. I have been used to this situation for the last 15 years. I have to be strong for Mak and Aie. But honestly, I cried behind their back. That weak side of me. I hate it. Oh, 30th August. That's tomorrow. Mak and Abah's 21st anniversary. Kind of regretted of not going back this week. Yeah, last week's incident back at home really got me into my nerves. But that was nothing. I always remembered Mak's saying how Abah loves me so much. It's just that he doesn't know how to show it to me. I wet my eyes already! I can never forget those times outside of the OR, waiting restlessly. And times when I accompanied him to do his basis 3 times a week. I was so small at that time but I knew what it was. But we cherished those days so much. So closed together. A contrast to these days. I want it to stay that way. Happy days. Heavenly days. Forgive me for my wrong doings, I don't want it to be too late. Explains alot why I hate people saying about them going back to Him. Because I hate losing people that I love. And that is why it's hard for me to love somebody. I rather keep a barrier. Far from these people I love; my family, my dearest friends, I can only send my prayers to them. Especially Abah. I bit my lips everytime he told me that he'll be going any moment. And I can never sleep well hearing that. I'd do anything for him. Even for the ones that I love. Selling my soul to the devil I would do. Hoping, they will know how much I love them.
And I hope they do.