Atuk

Testing & Evaluation paper buat aku tidur less than 3 hours.

Dengan additional assignment kena hantar waktu tu jugak.

Redha la.

Aku pun balas dendam bantai tidur lepas lunch.

Aku naik la tangga ke hall depan rumah. Yang pelik ruang tamu tu tak bercat,tingkap semua tertutup kecuali pintu utama. Kat situ aku nampak Atuk, duduk dikerusi malas dengan ketayap putih, t-shirt pagoda putih dengan kain pelekat warna hijau kegemaran dia. Bila Atuk nampak aku dia terus senyum lebar. Aku tak ingat apa Atuk cakap dalam bahasa Jawa tapi bunyinya macam terima kasih sebab jenguk dia sambil tersenyum. Dalam hati aku terdetik, dah lama aku tak nampak Atuk senyum sampai macam tu.

Aku tanya Atuk,

"Atuk arek opo2?" Atuk nak ape2 tak?

"Iki.. Wedang e diisi.." Ini.. tolong isikan air.

Atuk jawab dengan senyum lagi sambil tangan dia tunjuk botol air kosong sebelah kerusi dia.

Memang kebiasaan kalau Atuk minta sebotol air sebab kaki dia dah tak larat nak ulang alik ke dapur. Rumah kampung biasalah kena turun naik tangga. Aku pun ambillah botol kosong tu. Happy sangat sebab tengok Atuk macam tu.

Aku tuanglah air dari cerek masuk dalam botol. Mak cik aku yang tinggal dekat rumah tu masuk dapur dan sapa aku.

"Cah, jangan ke ruang tamu sangat. Sejak Atuk dah tak ada ni kitorang jarang duduk kat situ jadi dah lama tak kemas.."

Tersentap aku dengar bila mak cik aku cakap 'sejak Atuk dah tak ada'. Tangan aku masih pegang botol yang Atuk pesan suruh isi air. Menangis juga aku kat situ.

Terbangun aku dari tidur. Sedar2 pipi aku basah. Aku rasa sedih yang teramat. Sampaikan aku menangis teresak2 atas katil. Aku kecewa sangat. Masa Atuk meninggal, aku tak ada dengan dia. Aku cuma dapat berita dari Mak sehari selepas Atuk dikebumikan sebab waktu tu aku masih dalam final exam. Mak cakap tak nak ganggu aku. Aku tak sempat minta maaf dengan Atuk. Aku tak sempat nak jaga Atuk waktu Atuk sakit. Aku terkesan sangat. Tapi Atuk masih boleh ucap terima kasih sebab jenguk dia. Walhal aku sendiri yang lupa Atuk dah tak ada. Dan satu2nya benda yang aku buat untuk Atuk sepanjang dia kurang sihat cuma isikan botol air dia. Dan aku kesal sebab waktu ni aku bukan dalam keadaan yang membolehkan aku nak kirimkan bacaan Al-Quran untuk Atuk. Al-Quran hijau yang Atuk bagi pada aku.

Al-Fatihah untuk Atuk.

Orang Analysis

Ini merupakan parody kepada item analysis.

Boikot ilmu hisab dalam TESL! haha.

Tak faham human behaviour.

Kalaulah semua orang bersifat hitam dan putih saje.

Tak ada hidden gray circular di antaranya.

Kan lagi senang nak interpret.

Mungkin juga perlu guna testing and evaluation untuk manusia.

Bukan untuk kira markah students saje.

So.

Jangan nak bertarik tali dengan aku.

Aku tak suka.

Hitam kata hitam. Putih kata putih.

I don't tolerate with hidden meanings any more.

Kau tak tahukah aku yang sekarang lebih kejam dari dulu?

Gosh.

Tak sabar aku nak delete semua ni dari hidup aku.

Soon enough.

Farewell, crappy human civilisation.

Tarikh Luput

Hn.

Dah tua rupanya aku.

Tahun depan dah 22.

Last Saturday Mak dah keluar statement mintak cucu.

Rasa macam nak terkeluar black pepper spicy chicken mcdeluxe melalui hidung.

Cucu kucing acceptable tak Mak?

Hn.

Tak ada plan nak kerja apa.

Aku bukan teacher yang baik, tak nak tanggung dosa.

Abah kata kerja dengan MAS buleh dapat free tickets.

Tapi tak buleh jadi acik baju batik kain belah tu.

Hn.

Hn.

I'm screwed.

The Best Friend, The Villain

Define the term 'best friend'.

Best friend means you share your thoughts, happiness, sad, worries and secret with each other.

Lame-oo..

A best friend is someone who would die for you.

Nah, WAY to fancy.

Best friend is a person you know well and regard with affection and trust.

Heh. Seriously?

My definition of best friend?

A best friend is just a mere manipulation tool in realising your heart's content.

There.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I drove my car out of the residents area. An old man was guiding the kids to cross the road, cycling and walking to their school. He let me pass once the kids were safely on the other side of the road.

"Whoa Kak, you scared the hell outta me!"

My brother said to me, showing a supposed-to-be-scared gesture. I didn't see that coming. He always told me that I drive like a turtle and so on that I get on his nerves and he'll grab the car keys whenever we plan to go out with the same car. So yeah. Hearing him said that kinda puzzled me.

"What? What did I do?"

"You did a sharp cornering. A reckless one. Not the cool-like one."

"Did I?"

"Hell, yeah."

Hmm. I was wondering if I really did that. I didn't know why. Well- since my colleagues gave me the title of "Pemandu Paling Berhemah" in campus. Haha. Guess not. Probably because I had a lot on my mind. Things that were..not clarified, just hanging and tangling on my being. But I managed to maintain my composure so far. I know I've grown firmer. Well- considering that my late granpa passed away just 3 days before my birthday this year. Still a traumatic event for me.

Aie, my brother, he just can't seem to maintain his seriousness for more that a few minutes. Unlike me. He's just the kind of person that can make everyone around him laugh their hearts out and instantly like him. So unlike me. You can say that we're like twins but with different personalities. Well- he was born on the fifth of May and me on the tenth of May. Just from different year. He's an easy-going person and I'm a, well- serious person. I don't know how to make jokes. But one thing that I'm sure is that we're both very stubborn, persistent people.

Back to the story. So I drove my car. Aie was going to Mak's office to get the car so he could go to the clinic and I could go to the class. I was in a very gloomy mood at that time. I tried to talk to him but he was in a very silly mood he was doing the sorts of turbo and nos sounds whenever I changed the gear and stuff. How can I not laugh if he kept doing that? That's my point! Despite his fever he could pull some jokes and made me laugh! Well it's kinda annoying since he was not concentrating on our conversation but I guess I could tolerate that.

What makes me think so hard is that how can he still stay in a very happy, euphoric being despite his unpleasant history? By unpleasant history means being back stabbed by his best friend and his first love. Yeah he looks all giggly and happy but he's one naive person. Really naive. One that can be influenced over so easily. It just seemed that our family has a bloodline of being back stabbed at.

Abah. Scammed and lost quite an amount of money.

That particular creature has no heart towards someone as not in a healthy condition as my father.

That particular creature is called a "best friend".

Mak. She almost lost her friends, her employer's trust and her job.

By a creature named "best friend".

Aie. He became the 'doormat' of that creature's 'dirt', and blamed for something he never did.

Nearly got beaten up. And that creature's family was cursing all of us like hell, like we're some sort of slime. Sin.

That creature, is also called as "best friend".

Me?

Yeah. Been there a few times. Need not I say more.

Mak's words continued to linger my daily life. "There's no such thing as best friends. I've gone through a difficult time and I don't want you to get hurt like me. Human are selfish creatures. They'll always find a way to use you." Despite her words, she never had a problem in socialising with people. In fact, her colleagues love her so much. They respect her. Her junior officemates calls her "Mak". Her bosses look up on her. She always flaunt that beautiful smiles of her. No one would've guess that she had been through such a hard time. So does Abah and Aie. As if those things never affect them. I adore them so much. Aie, he's more mature than me. I guess I gotta learn a piece of them.

All the way to class I was wondering so hard that my brain will popped out like popcorn. I really, really wanted to cry but it seemed like my tears had dried. I could no longer cry ever since granpa left me. That was the last time I cried. Well- exclude the time when I watched Aslan died in the hands of the White Witch. The trigger is that I had a cold time with someone that I dearly care for. It happened quite a few times but this time it was more..intense. I didn't know where it went wrong. I never thought that my un-talkative being could cause a catastrophe.

If they knew me well, they'll know that I won't talk unless I have something to talk about. No redundancy. That's what they all said. No news means good news. But that seemed to be mistaken as an arrogant attitude. Well- if you regularly define arrogant as not talking to anyone unless you need to then I guess, yeah. I'm arrogant then. I admit it. It's not that I don't care of the people around me. It's just that I'm not good at talking to people. The least I could do is to glance and smile at them. You don't expect everyone to be talkative. Some people just talk whenever there's necessity. I'm just that kind of person.

And don't expect me to be someone's best friend. I'm not that regular kind of person. It takes me sometime to consider someone as my 'best friend', considering of my bad history with people called 'best friends'. Sorry to say that I have a trustworthy issue. I hardly trust people. Forgive me for being an paranoia. Those incidents were like a permanent scars that will continue to bleed.

Forgive me for being too sensitive but insensitive towards anyone. I've grown accustomed of not being care of by anyone else. I don't know how to love or to express my love. And I don't believe in the notion of having a best friend. Perhaps there are close friends and good acquaintance but not best friends. Forgive me.

I'd rather be the villain.

I've had enough of being the victim.

I guess I am the villain now.

I'll always be.

But I'll continue to love you.

To You From Far

I could hardly sleep yesterday.

I wonder why.

You came so sudden across my mind.

I wonder why.

I fell asleep filled with thoughts of you.

I wonder why.

There, you came to me in my dream.

I wonder why.

Your big brown jacket felt so warm

As warm as your smile when you sat in front of me.

Gazing towards me.

I wonder why.

I woke up, catching my breath silently.

Staring to the fan spinning above me.

I wonder why.

Do you have the answer?

I would like to know what.